Tales from Oblivion
by Super Tinfoil Man Part 2
Summary: Things will never be the same, the world was too big! So much inventory to carry around! What is with this loading screen? Why is that guard so stupid? Chap 3  Mage Guild oh my!
1. Naming the NO Name

**Tales from Oblivion**

**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: I only rented Oblivion, not one of those games you can just rent and hope to get anywhere in the game, I don't own it. **

* * *

**An: What kind of lame disclaimer was that? Who plays Oblivion for the main missions anyway? Not me! **

* * *

**An: What kind of lame Author's note was that? Of coarse you'd rent a game to complete it in a few hours, jeez! **

* * *

**An: Are you kidding me, second author's note? It takes 3 or 4 hours just to read through the stocked libraries in this game! ON TO CHAPTER 1 Already!!****

* * *

**

**Chapter 1- Making a hero, or bad guy –**

**

* * *

**

**T**here he was, Mr No name. Waiting to be created for the world to see.

So now it's time to thrash out some wicked character I'll be portraying throughout the game.

But what of all these strange races to choose from? Argonian, is it a race made from the blood of Aragon? It can't be! Good for special abilities, moving on.

How about Bretin? Worthless? Good for casting spells, who cares. Moving on…

Dark Elf, sounds and looks cool. Great agility, great magic, has good fighting skills. I'll have to come back for this one.

High Elf, wait a minute! There was no drug warning content label on the cover of this game, what good would a drug induced Elf be anyway? Oh, it's no that. Oh wait, this is a throw in, he's almost as good as the Dark Elf but can't fight worth a damn. Hmmm, moving on…

Imperial, sounds threatening! Let's see here. Great at talking! Hoo Boy! Moving on….

Khajiit, sounds like an Aztec curse word or something. Hmmm, do I want to be a thief in this game…… _flashback…._pick-pocketing is only allowed in the FULL VERSION…

Wait a second! This ain't no boring on-line game, this IS the full version. I'll have to think about this one too!

Nord, he's a good fighter in close range combat. I will think about this basic character as well.

Orc, no offence to Orc lovers everywhere but, this Orc looks like the biggest pansy version of an Orc in the history of Orcs. There is simply no way to alter this face to look anything threatening to thy enemy. "Oh look Nythanial III, there is a wimpy looking creature threatening us, how silly his face looks. Let us bitch slap him. "

Redguard, well this almost seems like cheating! This Redguard could kick some serious buttocks in thy name. Maybe that would bore me; I shall make my decision after a quick snack.

Whoops, I forgot about the forgotten Wood Elf. Another Elf to choose from, how creative! This one seems a tad sneaky; my chunky fingers could never touch that analog controller with so much delicate care, no. This cannot be No Name's choice!

* * *

The miracle of Pizza Pockets has satisfied my hunger. I have chosen Dark Elf; he looks like a bad ass.

So now we move on to the class, religion, and other very uninteresting things.

So I chose to be an expert Archer…..a mistake you say? But of course!

_Several moments later…….._

Here I am, Jeffrey. _What a creative fantasy name! You certainly are a creative genius! _Stuck in a jail cell. For some reason I forgot how to walk, talk, move my head around. They must've drugged me pretty bad.

Suddenly, guards enter the cell! Along with a noble King! Wow! After they talk to me for a bit the King tells me I'm _the chosen one! _It's a term I've never heard of before in the history of role playing games! He didn't say _chosen one, _but I got his drift.

I hope my main character Jeffrey has his own voice, usually stupid role playing games main heroes are mute, and that's so strange.

After an exhausting few minutes of storyline and talking, they enter a secret cave, I followed them realizing I don't really have a voice, damn! But I decided to pickpocket one of the guards on the way in, he didn't like it, so I tried to pick pocket the King, he didn't like it either. Touchy!

Near the end of the sewer mission, Picard, I mean, the King is dead, now I have to bring his amulet somewhere, yaw! Unlikely! I hear this world is so big you can play for days and not really discover the entire map.

I exit the sewers, I look into the distance. It is a beautiful world! I bend down and look closely at the grass; it's lightly blowing in the wind! This sure seems like a real world to me! I decide to lie down in the grass and sleep for 14 hours straight, by accident. That was realistic as hell! Now it's almost night again, what day is it? I'm confused, I've barely walked two steps and I'm lost!

Good thing for that GPS visible in the corner. I walk up a steep hill and jump once or twice, suddenly I can feel my agility strengthen! I figure by the end of this game I should be as agile as Spider-Man!

I walked into a large Imperial City. I talk to one of the guards who seem to have no time for me but will turn and face me while he talks. I keep talking to him and he says the same thing over and over again, is he a robot? I should add this investigation into my personal mission's diary, _investigate robot guard. _I decide to tell the guard a joke, he's not impressed, in fact, his expression changed dramatically, I think he's starting to get a real hate on for me here. I tell him the same joke over and over again. His expression remains the same; he's still really pissed off but will stand there and listen to my one, single joke for hours and not leave. He must be a glutton for punishment, they train there guards well here. I finally pretend to leave him alone; when he's walking away I try to steal his sword out of his pocket, what a place for it!

I end up staying my first couple of days in jail.

Meanwhile, the gates of Oblivion are open and death awaits the entire land. The entire city behind the gate is attacked; dozens of people have been killed! The only hero that can stop this madness is in jail jumping around trying to get more agility.

What will happen to Jeffrey?


	2. A brotherhood betrayedloading

**Tales from Oblivion -**

* * *

**Chapter 2 -A brotherhood betrayed-Loading- - **

* * *

**S**o here I am in BRUMA city, a lovely little down , complete with hobos! They keep conning me out of a few coins, damn my conscious! But they need to feed they're _kids _I suppose, by _kids _I mean _liver, _by _liver _I mean... they just want to get drunk, O.K? Is that so wrong? Jeffrey ignores the rumours of the gate of Oblivion that opened in a city he couldn't pronounce if his life depended on it, knowing this world, and the 789 trillion side missions, I'm sure there is quest somewhere that requires that very skill, but lets continue dammit!

I walk casually into a house, uninvited of coarse. To a bloody crime scene! Somebody has been murdered. A guard walks up to me and instead of telling me to, "Get the hell out of here! This is a crime scene!" He tells me, "Unless you are a guard or Raynil, then I suggest you leave." Hmmmmmmmmm, what an obvious little situation here. Obviously I'm no damn guard being a dark elf and all, maybe I'll pester him some more. I found out there's a vampire hunter in town and now it's up to me to start my own private investigation on this matter, nifty!

I go to leave the house when something unusual happens, there is a badly drawn picture in front of me telling me that if I used my light armour more, I'd be more of a pansy, or something, along with a loading screen, what? A loading screen? I have to wait to go back to town via a loading screen from this simple door? Jeez, that would be annoying in everyday life eh? " Hey, sorry I'm late boss, damn loading screen at my door. "

I walk through the town with a close eye on my GPS to find out the next location, I check out Olav's Tap and Tack, wicked cool name! So I enter the INN/BAR via another loading screen, this is getting annoying, pretty soon I'll see a taunting death screen saying : **GAME** **OVER, WAY TO GO WILCO, YOU DIED WHILE LOADING. **

* * *

I walk into the bar and talk to Olaf, he's a wonky looking fellow, I decide to take a slash at him with my sword. He doesn't take kindly to unexpected violence. I end up in jail.

Later, after my attempted murder is somehow ignored, I go back to Olav's Tap and Tack. I stand around nervously hoping Olav didn't have any hard feelings for me stabbing him eight times and somehow he survived the ordeal. He seems a bit steamed at me but will talk to me anyway. Cool! Olav's not a wonky type guy after all!

Olav eventually tells me a far fetched tale and gives me a room key, I go to the room at the end of the hall and enter the room, my diary informs me that I should investigate the room. I search around the room, there's nothing of interest here. After jumping around to try and gain some more agility, I decide to exit the room, on the way out I notice the corner of a bright red book jutting out behind a dresser. Hmmmm, that's my meal ticket! I grab the diary and sift through it. Several hours later I decide to stop reading the diary and go back to Olav.

"Word up ! " I tell him, he starts to blab about the history of this guy who is killing off other guys to get treasure and...I wake up 10 hours later. Olav is still standing there, patiently. I stand up, during my long sleep I could overhear other patrons at the bar have a repeated conversation over and over again, jeez! I've heard of nothing to talk about but do you people have to keep replaying the same three stories over and over again? Anyway, I forgot what I was supposed to do so I leave anyway, while I wait for this damn loading door again.

I get frustrated at this mission so I decide to steal a horse in broad daylight, apparently the guards absolutely despise that action, but screw them! I got me a horse! Yeeehaw! Glad I didn't have to pay 28 thousand gold coins for this creature! I trot through the land, happy as a dark elf on horseback, when I'm attacked! A wolf has taken fancy to my horse and is biting the damn thing on the front legs! I heroically jump off the horse and slay the beast to death, it leaves behind a wolf pelt that I stuff into my side pocket, gross! That's gonna smell later! My horse cowardly runs off before I have a chance to jump back on him, I whip out my bow and arrow and try to take aim at this horse, by the time I'm set, he has disappeared into the distance, ten feet away! What?! It must've been a magic horse.

"Well, " Jeffrey thinks, "Maybe I'll just go for a LONG ass walk through the land until I reach another town. To my surprise, there are several loading screens right out in the open! Arg! I decide enough is enough and lay down for 15 hours, but a word text appeared in mid air telling me that I can't rest here! "To hell I can't! " I yell, but the text is right, there are more enemies nearby.

I kept walking, and walking, and walking. I ended up in North Korea somehow.

I went to pick up a rock but a guard told me I'm stealing again, he threw me in jail.

* * *

**Meanwhile... **

**Blood is being spilt on the land, **the gates of Oblivion are still open, chaos and fire, people praying for a hero. But Jeffrey is several miles away, dropping all of his clothing and talking to villagers, they don't seem to notice that he's nearly nude.

* * *

**Thank you for reading or not reading and skimming through or just taking a quick look and passing on to a more serious fic or not opening the story at all, The Tales from Oblivion! **


	3. Mage Guild oh my!

** Tales from Oblivion -**

* * *

**AN: Thanks for the positive reviews! If not for these I would  
have dumped this story into the- realm of delete- files.**

* * *

The following I will thank-

**XxBrooklynnxX - Author of Spider-Man's Blog - Yes, this game has me  
hooked to the point that simple things like eating and drinking are unimportant**.

**Dead Corpse - Author of Red Eyes - I did play Marrowind a long,long  
time ago, but for some strange reason I didn't like it that much. **

**Presto Brownie - Author of Ma'jhad and the Thieves Guild- Thanks for  
your support. If Video Gallery calls you wondering why I haven't taken  
back Oblivion yet, tell them you don't know me. **

**Shade-the-Hedgehog - Author of School Daze - Hope you like this  
chapter. It will cover stuff, like things and other things. I hope that didn't  
spoil it for you.**

* * *

**Chapter 3 - Anvil Guild - Loading -**

* * *

**Hey Jeffrey! Put yer clothes back on and play the game! This ain't  
Leisure Suit Larry!!**

Jeffrey has decided to stop farting around for once and HELP these people, afterall, how can you advance in this game if you have no completed quests. The answer is, you can't. Thus, let's go help the people in Anvil, onward dark elf! Jeffrey is inspired and has  
discovered he can walk all the way there. After walking for six days his inspiration has dwindled a tad.

"Pwew! That was a long walk. " Jeffrey says as he enters Anvil. Nobody is glad to see him.

So I walk into this Mage's Guild, sounds interesting eh? I walk up and talk to Carahil, I am informed of murders and kidnappings that are happening along he Gold Road! (Not the yellow brick one. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA _that wasn't funny. _)

"Hey," Carahil says, "How about you become the (cough)ait for this mission?"

I question the cough over, " The what? "

"You know, be the bait. You get killed and we solve the mystery." Carahil offers.

I could be a Guild member for this, I must consult Scooby and the gang for assistance. I accept the suicide mission.

With pride and a new sense of purpose, I venture ou...RING! RING! Damn  
phone.

"Hello! " I scream.

"Hey, Jeff. Think you'll be coming back to work sometime this month. " My boss inquires.

"Leave me alone! I'm on a mission ! " I scream, the excuse was good  
enough.

Let's continue...

* * *

I check out my mission quest diary. I need to speak with Arielle Jurard at the Brina Cross Inn north of Anvil. Hmm, what way is north? I bump into this guy wearing a blue shirt. 

"Hey, watch it! " I scream taking out my clay cup?

"You! If you don't mind do you think you can take this game back to Video Dome ?! You've had it for a month, OTHER people might want to play it! " The Video Dome manager said, I took out my bow and arrows and started shooting like Rambo. I think one of the arrows hit him in the leg, I somehow lost one of my arrows when I went back to retrieve them all, all seven of them. I think  
there's a homeless man around here with an arrow sticking out of him, I should add this to my mission diary to retrieve that arrow.

Where was I ? Oh ya! Arielle.

I was talking to her when she said, " For some unholy reason, you need to stay overnight at the Brina Cross Inn , while **posing as a travelling merchant! **" Well, that sounds cool!

After talking to the inn guy and sleeping in the Inn, Cristophe tells me I need to head to Krotch and they'll set up a double ambush. I think he said Krotch, or Kvatch, or something, I wasn't paying attention.

* * *

I wake up the next day and somebody had **TAMPERED** with my damn diary!! I accused several people in the Inn but was red faced when the Inn Keeper told me that I updated my own diary in my sleep. My diary told me to head up the road now, and try not to get killed. On the way out I jump up on a table with two people talking away, I calmly kick off the plates and they smash on  
the floor. Then I kick over the glass, and another one, then some food, I kick the food around for no apparent reason. But they just sit there, then continue a boring conversation, what the hell? Ah well, some people are so passive! "So Herp-ik III, what were we planning tonight? Where did my food go? Why is that man kicking my breakfast around? " 

I walk for a long time up the path. Waiting, watching for some grand attack. I keep walking. **Suddenly!** I keep walking. Nothing is happening, am I going in the wrong direction? Oh wait! There's my best friend Caminalda, we had a great time last night talking about inventory, I was so drunk I didn't notice her telling me the same response over and over again.

"Yo!! Word up Camelmeat, or whatever yer name was! " I yell.

"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!! " She screams and flips out at me, I don't really remember why she hates me so much but an all out brawl is taking place all of a sudden. She's kicking my bow and arrow clad buttocks, I try to bravely run away when my other buddies have shown up and start unleashing MORTAL KOMBAT all over her!! Excellent !! Finish her!!

After they totally slay her, they calmly walk away like nothing just happened. Wow, they sure are level headed. I loot the evil ice queen and take all of her stuff. The very last item was some kind of knee buckle or something, I picked it up and suddenly I couldn't move!! I tried to walk but I had so much inventory I was weighed down!!

"Hm, maybe I should drop these 15 apples and 187 dinner plates and 348 scrolls. " I start throwing my items all over the place, when I notice something, I CAN WALK AGAIN!!

* * *

I'm now a member of the mage guild. I find out that I can steal at my leisure, I suppose they don't mind thieves in the guild. 

I start to get antsy again and must revert to a trouble making swine that I was before I became all heroic, even though my buddies did all the work for me. I decide to walk outside and fall asleep in the middle of the street for 11 hours. I wake up and it's the middle of the night, MWA HA HA HA! Time to wreck havoc in this...wait a minute, everyone is gone, dang!!

Maybe I'll just break in to some place and calmly murder someone. Then rob them.

I try the first I door come to, it's locked and I realize I don't have the skills needed to open the door. I check my inventory.

Of the 2367 things I find three lockpicks!! An M-16 Machine Gun , a B.F.G 3000, a sword, a shield , a few dozen eggs. Excellent!!

When I try to pick the lock I can somehow see directly inside the locking  
mechanism. I jimmy the lock to try and open it.

"Hey! " A raspy voice cuts through the darkness behind me.

"What? " I say.

"That's such a copy from Splinter Cell! " Sam Fisher says as he points a gun at the back of my head.

"You mind telling me what the hell the name of this town is? I was supposed to be in Australia but I made a wrong turn. " Sam Fisher is such a nice guy.

* * *

**Meanwhile The Gates of Oblivion are still open! Guards are waiting  
outside the gate shooting at any demon that comes popping out, where is the  
hero ?? He's running around Anvil punching villagers and guards in the face, now there's a large line of people chasing him around cheesed off, it's the funniest thing Jeffrey has seen since the classic Benny Hill chases. There's at least twelve of them now!! Help me!!! **

**So if there's a gate there that spits out demons, why are the guards waiting for each one to come out? Why can't they just move a pile of boulders directly in front of the hole so when they come out they are buried, or blocked ? **

**Who knows?**

* * *

**  
**

Thanks for playing Oblivion. Press Start to review . Press up up down down  
left right left right B A Start to get 99 lives in Contra. Press power and pour water into the console to gain access to the Fighters Guild.  
(don't do that, maybe I should delete that last part.) I'll think about  
it.

--------------------

Do not reply to this email. Visit member's profile to reply back_ or leave a 16 page review.  
_

You can disable the private messaging feature via account settings. Messaging Service _or by destroying your computer now!! _

Delete Reply Forward Spam Move..._what a sneaky can of SPAM-now it moves!!!  
_

Previous Next Back to Messages Save Message Text Full Headers-_whoa one at a time please!!!_

Check Mail Compose _Bach Symphony number 45. _

Search Mail: Search Mail Search the Web_-did we s-s-search s-s-stuttering?  
_

Move Options- _Either move out or don't. _

[New Folder

jeff-_what? What do you want?  
_

Forward Options: _Move forward now!! Or not!! Great options!!_

As Inline Text _once said, I'm so extreme man!!_

As Attachment - _attachment leads to divorce. _

Reply Options- _Reply or don't reply, that is the question. _

Reply To Sender- _then that would be re-replying. _

Reply To Everyone-_yell as loud as you can!  
_

Address Book Shortcuts-_take a left at index.  
_

Add Contact-_just one contact? Why not both contacts for your eyes? Wouldn't that make more sense?  
_

Add Category- _where is bloody stool category? _

View Contacts- _that is illogical captain. _

View Lists- _I want a Red Bike from Santa. _

QuickBuilder_-accelerated body builder.  
_

Import Contacts- _beer_

Synchronize-_swimming_

Addresses Options-_thats bads grammers  
_

Addresses Help-_here's some help, why not put address help instead of addresses help.  
_

Calendar Shortcuts-

Add Event-_today was just like any other day.  
_

Add Task-_join fighters guild  
_

Add Birthday-_yes!! Now I can have 2 birthdays!!  
_

Day

Week

Month

Year

Event List

Reminders

Tasks

Sharing

Synchronize

Calendar Options

Calendar Help

Notepad Shortcuts

Add Note

Add Folder

View Notes

Notepad Options

Notepad Help

Advanced Search-_now I can search to the extreme!!!!  
_

Advanced Search-_now I can search to the extreme!!!! - Deja' Vu? _

Copyright © 1994-2007 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved. Terms of Service - Copyright/IP Policy - Guidelines

NOTICE: We collect personal information on this site. _Including your blood type-oooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!!!!!!!_

To learn more about how we use your information, see our Privacy Policy_ or just take a wild guess.  
_


End file.
